Your Weekly Antics, 19 Days til Christmas Edition...12-6-24

Well kids, as we do here at The Antics, we’re making up our own rules. Tradition dictates that we have the Twelve Days of Christmas, but we’re going to switch things up a bit. We’re doing this as a service to all of you loyal readers, because let’s face it, we blinked and it’s December. Stop lying to yourselves…you know, and I know, none of us have our stockings hung by the fire with care, or Christmas cookies done for decorating yet, or one thing purchased (except for Robyn Foley…🙄), or wrapping paper to wrap those gifts we still have to buy - oh and yes, I am fully aware that it is only December 6th, but still, get it together. We’re going to try to keep things simple and to the point this week. With that said, we’re doing the 19 days until Christmas and I’m going to give you some words to live by that will hopefully make this holiday season run smoothly for you. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Commit to nothing. You get a party invite that requires an RSVP? The answer is maybe, repeat after me…M-A-Y-B-E. Begin this response with a minor explanation which should go something like this…thank you so much for the invitation, I would absolutely love to attend, but I’ll have to see if I have all my wrapping and baking done. Fingers crossed 🤞 IF you do decide to grace the lovely host with your presence, feel free to exercise your God given right to the Irish goodbye. As always, you are most certainly welcome for this solid advice.

2. Keep your fingers crossed when saying the above as noted in #1. We all know that you have no intention of going. No need to go to hell for lying during this festive holiday season.

3. If anyone hears from my buddy Marshall, one, two or 100 times, just let him tell you over and over again that the stars have aligned and Hannukah starts on Christmas Eve this year. Why? Because it makes him happy, and this will be your way of giving back. Put him on speaker phone, let him talk, and get yourself ready to participate in all this Christmas cheer. Except for you Mrs. Payne, deny, deny, deny. Do not admit to knowing me or he will torment you and Mr. Payne from now until forever every time he runs into you. I speak the truth.

4. Cookie swap? How short is your memory friend? Be sure to reach way back to the recesses of your mind to remember the gross cookies full of minced meat or some other God forsaken Christmas delicacy and take a hard pass on the cookie swap. You’ll thank me later.

5. Get yourself outside and throw some lights or whatever it is you have that will make your partner happy to show that you do, in fact, give a rat's ass about what the rest of the neighborhood thinks. While doing so, keep in mind you're doing this to specifically stick it to the showoff across the street who is single handedly sucking the power grid dry. Take that pal, everyone loves my string of 12 single lights more than your one million bulbs that can be seen from space. #ihateyourstupidlights

6. Doesn’t matter what you’re thinking and if you hit your head on the way into the dollar store or not, do not give in. Do Not buckle and cave and buy even a tiny, small, miniscule container of glitter. You’re smarter than that, you never welcome glitter into your home. Like lady bugs, one or two on a windowsill is cute to start off with until you wake up one day and you realize that cute spotted yellow bellied rat fink has sprinkled your entire house with the likes of all his friends and extended relatives who have taken it upon themselves to get into every nook and cranny you never knew existed within the confines of your humble abode. Like lady bugs, once glitter is in, it’s the gift that keeps on giving for years to come. Leave glitter to the professionals, like Santa and his band of merry elves.

7. Do not stress about taking the cherished family photo for your yearly Christmas card that you torture your kids with every year. Here’s a fun fact, you spend a ridiculous amount of money on the cards, then get robbed by the U.S. Postal Service to mail them - what the hell happened to their "forever" stamps by the way - then you lose a few - or many - or all of them under the front seat of your car. You’ll discover them next July when you’re packing up for the family vacation at the beach where you took this year's stupid photo in the first place. #saveyourmoney #weallknowyourkidsarecute

8. Another fun fact to add to #7…no one cares. Those cards are being tossed out asap. (except by me, for those of you I like, I keep them forever and ever and ever…stalkerish I know, first step towards healing is admitting I have a problem…)

9. If you have someone in your life who tells you, no, do not come over here and put out my Christmas decorations. Do not put up the tree. Definitely do not hang lights. It's all a pain in the ass and displaces my plants…do it anyway. A., because it’s fun to aggravate those special people in your life and B., Christmas lights are fun and C., who doesn’t appreciate a lit-up snowman army? ☃️☃️☃️ Sue Miller doesn’t, that’s who…

10.  When people tell you that they’re sick of listening to you sing, or hum or play Christmas music, pretend you didn’t hear them correctly and they’ve asked you to play it or hum louder and go all Bing Crosby on them. This serves a dual purpose. Humming makes you happy and doing so while aggravating others makes you even happier. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves. This is just you showing those around you how to practice self -care. Fa-la-la-la-la to you friend.  Our only Exhibit today, Exhibit 1, what is this fresh hell? Frosted French Vanilla Dr. Pepper? That's unnatural.

And last but not least…for all of you who’s significant other insists they don’t want anything for Christmas, that's a big fat lie. Come on people, you’re smarter than that.

Have a great weekend!