Your Weekly Antics, Previously Owned Christmas Tree Edition...12-27-24

Well kids, here we are, 2 days after Christmas because I couldn't get myself together yesterday. Some people keep the Christmas spirit alive as long as they can and keep their decorations up. Others like me, like things packed away and cleaned up as soon as possible, making it look like Christmas never happened. Over the years I’ve gone against my better judgement and have kept the tree and decorations up longer than I would have liked because I may or may not have been accused of being Grinch-like which has prompted me to allow the Christmas décor to linger a bit. Let there be no mistake about it, this goes against every ounce of my being, the decorations and the clutter make me crazy, but I have squelched my inner Ebenezer over the years and now allow the tree to remain up, despite my first instinct to throw it right down the front stairs, or in the case of late as you will hear about should you read on, packed up and thrown back up in the attic. Nonetheless, here’s what I’ve got.

1. That’s right people, I ruined my kids Christmas a few years back by forgoing the all-natural real tree and bought the Kap pack a fake tree. Why you ask? Because I was sick of trying to coordinate schedules to get together to go out and pick a tree, tag a tree, cut it down, then bring it home, then decorate it. Now I can climb into the attic when no one is home and throw it down out of the attic where it lands, haphazardly, but still intact, on the kitchen floor. From there it gets dragged through the house and into the living room. Wedged into a corner, three attachments inserted and plugged in and viola…Christmas is here.

2. You think I’m a grinch? Several years back when our schedules began putting a hindrance on all things Christmas décor related, Al and I and the youngest Kap kid found ourselves at the most dreaded place in the world, Wal Mart, to pick up a few items. Still unable to coordinate with the older two Kap kids to pick out and cut down our tree, we found ourselves behind a man in line in the garden section, returning a Christmas tree. Returning a real live Christmas tree, who would imagine? The cashier, clearly done with pretending to spread Christmas cheer and deciding she was no longer going to bare the brunt of this disgruntled Christmas shopper who was obviously on the naughty list, decided screw it, the money wasn’t coming out of her pocket, and agreed to take the tree back and refund the customers money. She bid the man farewell and off he went, $50 richer.

3. Next up in line, we sympathized with the cashier who had to deal with the tree returners wrath, agreeing with her that people were out of control and sometimes the holidays really did bring out the worst in people. Admiring the tree, and being in the habit of always taking in the strays and misfits, we decided you know what, we’d buy the previously returned tree, and so we did, right there on the spot. Money exchanged, and tree tied to the roof, off we went to bring home our new, rehomed previously owned real live tree to our corner of the 02, to be brought into our home and decorated.

4. This tree, perfect in every way. Just the right height, even on all sides, no bare spots that would have to face a wall needing areas to be covered up. It appeared freshly cut and brought all the pine smells every home with a real Christmas tree has. Into the stand it went, watered, and allowed to sit for a bit before we could gather all the Kap kids around to decorate. Who knew this previously owned tree would have a back story, as when we began to decorate it we discovered that not only was it returned, but returned with tinsel and a few abandoned ornaments still in place.

5. And so the tales were weaved and stories began about this tree. Was it stolen, right out of the foyer of a local store or shop? Finally, did the threat as old as St. Nick himself, finally come to fruition? Had some parent finally had enough and followed through with the famous promise we all heard in our youth and cancelled Christmas? Were there kids, at that very moment as we carefully placed our last ornament upon our used tree just getting home from an outing to find their living room Christmas tree-less? Did we just contribute to ruining some kids Christmas? Who buys a tree and returns it? We would never know.

6. I’m not going to lie to you loyal readers…that previously owned, not quite completely undecorated tree was probably the best real live tree we ever had within the walls of the Kap house. Never to be duplicated. He found a home with us, but as we know, all good things come to an end, particularly when cut down from a forest, wrapped up and thrown on the back of a pickup truck to be driven 10 hours away to a new land, thrown in a lot, frozen and then dethawed in someone’s living room. Then dismantled, returned to the big box store from where it was originally purchased, just to be rebought and go through the whole ordeal all over again. That poor tree had no idea what was in store for him when he happily left the forest to begin with.

7. An executive decision was made by the leaders of the Kap pack after this tree saving event that perfection could not be duplicated - that we could not tempt fate and try to find a tree of equal quality as the tree we came upon that year. With that decision, we actively ruined the Kap kids future Christmas’s by rolling on up to Home Depot and purchasing a pre lit fake Christmas tree that was similar to the perfection we found in that previously owned tree of that fateful season.

8. Of course, this purchase was made under the cover of darkness, with no warning given to the Kap kids. The following Christmas they all came home to find the already lit tree up and ready for decorating, a pine scented Yankee Candle aflame and strategically placed in a hidden corner in the living room in attempts to pull the proverbial wool over their eyes. Would they notice this was a fake tree or just go ahead, business as usual and decorate it, none the wiser?

9. Bet yer arses they noticed it was a fake, and with that, we ruined Christmas. A fact we are reminded of every year as we pull the tree down from the attic and begin assembling it.

10. We have some bad news to share with you fellow readers... a regular feature here in The Antics, Hank the Mantle Fish has taken a final lap around the bowl and has gone over the rainbow bridge to the ocean in the sky. He was a good mantle fish, and he will be missed. Here he is conversing with himself, as he often did, confusing his own reflection for another of his kind, a true testament that it is socially acceptable to talk to yourself and be happy and content with your own company. Let's all be like Hank. God speed.

And last but not least...we hope you are all enjoying the holidays people...if you're in a bad mood or just not feeling like yourself, go out and do something nice for someone, it'll make you feel better.

Have a great weekend!!!