You read the title right people; generations have been lied to. Granted, we’ve been lied to about more important and life altering things, but today we speak of Snow White and her band of merry men, or elves, or dwarfs or whatever they’re called now without offending everyone. We’re told the tale of Snow White and her seven dwarfs wandering through the forest, whistling happily with all kinds of woodland creatures following behind and flying above. Let me tell you something right now. Who in their right mind is going to be walking through the woods with seven of her closest friends, while happily being followed by creatures from the ground and sky unless they’re delusional or high? That’s right, no one. No one would. In the real-world Snow White would be running, leaving those friends of hers behind who were dumb enough to follow her into the woods in the first place. Here’s what I’ve got…
1. I’m a bit disgruntled this week because I’m sleep deprived. That’s what happens when a creature from the outside chooses to make his way inside, set up shop, settle in, and get comfortable. Had he been smarter about it and kept quiet, no one would’ve been the wiser and a happy fat life he would have lived, but no – he had to open his mouth again and again and again. Making himself known, like he was invited and decided to take over.
2. These shenanigans started with the occasional first thing in the morning chirp. I foolishly thought this creature was outside, maybe on the deck, and I could now hear the beast more clearly because all the air conditioners are off, out of the windows, and put away for the winter. I would sit, drink my coffee, listen to my wind chimes and think, ahhhh nature. So peaceful. Great way to start the day. Maybe I’ll put up some bird feeders to support my feathered friends through the winter. I’ll have to check amazon.
3. The chirping continues. From one day to three, then to every morning. By day three or four I start to wonder what kind of creature this could be. Where’s he hanging out? Did he build a bird’s nest in the awning at our back door as his feathered friends have in the past? No birds nest found. Back to my coffee, starting to think about figuring out what kind of bird he is. I’ll be sure to find out once my bird feeders are up and at the window and I’ll be able to see him. That’ll be neat to watch, hopefully he’ll bring his friends.
4. Things start to turn. The morning chirping has now turned into afternoon chirping. The chirping has become louder and has an echo to it. I asked the middle Kap kid if she thinks maybe a bird got in the house no thanks to opening and closing the doors around here 5000 times a day due to the Kap pack. She doesn’t think so. No evidence of a bird in the house. You all hear it too though, right? It’s not just me? Okay, so maybe I’m losing it. Whatever…it was bound to happen eventually, may as well embrace it, my time has come.
5. The afternoon chirp has now morphed into a bedtime chirp. Hmmmm…. in denial that something is now living within the confines of the Kap house, I say from the dinner table, maybe it’s saying good night to us, all while thinking in my head, great. I’ve got a bird in the house that is surely going to peck my eyes out in the middle of the night. Fantastic. It probably knows all about my hate for turkeys and now it’s coming for me.
6. We’ve now narrowed down the chirping and have identified it is coming from the youngest Kap kids bedroom. Her room is the cleanest and least cluttered room in the house. She prides herself on keeping things neat and tidy and thank goodness, because that meant there was less stuff for me to tear apart looking for my nemesis, the ungrateful chirper who has now begun to wake us up in the middle of the night. I’ve googled noise of all kinds to compare the recording I have of this thing that has taken over my house in hopes of identifying it. I’m convinced it may not be a bird. Could it be a raccoon? A squirrel, those shifty bastards…a chipmunk? Rat? (oh hell no…), a bat? I called in the bat expert, Helen H. Bibeau as her home has been infiltrated by the bat species on may occasion and she determines, that is not a bat. Her expert opinion…Miller, I don’t know what to tell you – that’s no bat. Awesome. I’ve probably got a family of squirrels in my attic that are all up there plotting against me. I am considering packing up, heading to Sue Miller’s and leaving everyone else at home to fend for themselves. Adios, good luck and Godspeed. Exhibit 2, that's right, I'm exposing Harley partaking in her donut treats.
7. Sunday. Chirp in the morning. Chirp in the afternoon. Chirp at suppertime. Now the son of a bitch is mocking me. His Sunday night into Monday night antics have kept us up while Al slept unaware and unconcerned through the shenanigans that ensued. 4 am, still can’t find it. First, it’s coming from her closet. Then the radiator. Then her bookcase. Nothing. Just the occasional chirp that naturally does not happen when we’re looking for it. Coward. This week's Antics is the youngest Kap kids official excuse letter for her missing school last Monday. I couldn’t really send her to school after she was up all night looking for a damn bird that is living comfortably somewhere in her room.
8.Meri has decided if you can’t beat em, join em as she is now delirious from lack of sleep. She has begun to sleep through the chirps, reasoning with the feathered beast that he has chosen the correct room to move into, if he steers clear of her fish tank. If he doesn’t mess with Captain America and his snail cohorts, he’s more than welcome to live amongst her plants as long as she can get some shut eye. Her reasoning with the chirper ensues. Things get quiet for a while until this thing starts his shit all over again at 2am Monday night into Tuesday morning. Mother of the year sends the youngest Kap kid with two hours of sleep off to school. I assure her I will get to the root of the problem on Tuesday because I too have had it.
***It’s important to note that throughout this week the four-legged freeloaders who live here have slept comfortably and undisturbed not once making any move or showing any concerns for the critter who has infiltrated the Kap house. The same mailman who’s been delivering our mail for 5 years comes to the mailbox and they all lose their minds. I had a strongly worded discussion with all of them to pack their bags, they’ll be heading to their new digs because I’ll be dropping their sorry assess off at the animal shelter for their lack of loyalty and concern for my well-being. None of them bat an eyelash. No one cares. Exhibit 1, Kap pack sleeping comfortably. Jerks.
9. Tuesday. I’m home alone. The chirping continues, now the little bastard has become brazen and doesn’t care that I’m in the room looking for him, he chirps anyway. I tell him to show himself – nothing. I call my friend at animal control, send him the recording. It could be a bird, it could be a cricket. A cricket? No way. I send the video to my friend at inspectional services, because now I’m living in fear it’s a rat. She too has no idea. I send it to Walter, he’s not surprised, and determines I’m hearing things, so embrace it. I send the video to Angel. Through his laughter he says it’s a baby bird or a cricket, definitely not a bat. The video goes to my brother…there’s definitely something living in those plants he says… no shit Ron, but where is it? I send the latest video to Al…did I go upstairs to check the trap we set up? Ummmm no, no I did not, further evidence he’s trying to kill me.
10. Well now you’ve done it pal, it’s on. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m pissed. Entire room gutted and cleaned, a few feathers found, I decide yup, it’s a bird. The middle kid tells me no, that’s not a bird feather, instead a feather from her feather pillow that sheds feathers all the time. In the trash that goes because my allergy ridden child, no feathered pillows for you, so that kills at least one already killed bird with one stone, now where the actual hell is the other? Nothing. I look to all of Meri’s houseplants, particularly those who spent their summer on the deck that have been slowly disinfected and moved back into the house. I say screw it and drag them all back on the deck where they will sit until I can figure out what’s going on.
Plants outside, we all slept peacefully Tuesday night. Then Wednesday night. Thursday, still no chirping. Still unsure if it was a cricket or a bird, I really don’t care, all I know is the chirping has come to a halt and the plants will remain on the deck forever.
And last but not least...Quit listening to stories like Snow White. Nothing good comes of wandering around the woods thinking you can communicate with woodland creatures. Get it together.
Have a great weekend!
Love your stories, you should publish…
Must have been a cricket in the plants..