That’s right kids, it’s Friday. Just when you think you’re not going to see The Weekly Antics, we sneak right up on you. Here’s what I’ve got…
1. Believe it or not, there hasn’t been much going on. Things have been quiet here in our corner of the hood because to be quite honest, it’s been too damn hot. Too hot to cause too much trouble and contrary to last week’s Antics, everyone seems to be keeping their clothes on, so the number of those calls has gone down. Not even the universe has thrown anything at me - it’s just sitting back and saying you know what, I’m going to take a break, and see how it all unfolds, let’s see how long that lasts.
2. Who knew that Massachusetts, right off the coast of Gloucester, was the place to be. If you haven’t heard already, the largest animal on earth, a rarely seen blue whale graced the coast with its presence earlier in the week just hanging out, frolicking amongst the locals and showing off. Where was he going? I have no idea, I’m not privy to such information. I can tell you this though, he wasn’t headed towards the Woo.
3. What do you do when you bust the fence? You close your eyes and pretend you’re invisible when being asked if you broke the fence. This is also an easy way to get yourself the installation of an invisible fence because the human you live with is sick of your shenanigans and of fixing it daily.
4. The free plant shelf. Leave a plant, take a plant. Great concept that allows us plant lovers out here to switch it up. You get sick of one of your plants or think it doesn’t appreciate you, it feels like it can do better somewhere else, off to the free plant shelf it goes. Good luck and God Speed. Or you’ve propagated some of yours and you’d like to share the wealth. A free plant shelf is not for you to drop off half dead plants that you don’t have the heart to throw out in your yard to go back from where it came, reuniting itself, becoming one again one with the dirt. Sometimes you’ve just got to pull the trigger kids and call it as you see it – it’s dead – throw it out – you can’t save everything. Don’t leave it up to someone else to do it for you. Unless you’re Derek. Derek’s attitude sucks and if he doesn’t get it together soon, he too will find himself on the free plant shelf. Exhibit 1, Derek and his bad attitude.
5. Bees, butterflies and hummingbirds. If you’re an avid gardener, or even one who does just minimal plantings, enough to add a little color and life to your landscape, you may know that gardening enthusiasts encourage you to leave a water source around. A bird bath, or a small fountain perhaps. Being the lover of nature that I am, I decided to up my game and put a tiny little fountain in my DIY birdbath, so our hood bees had a clean and refreshing area to hydrate and take a break. Well, no one anywhere told me we have dumb bees here on our corner that don’t know enough not to drown. Seriously people, I don’t need this kind of stress in my life. Now I’m a bee killer.
6. Don’t say no one supports the U.S. Post Service. Sue Miller is single-handedly keeping them in business. I think she’s the only person I know who still uses stamps when it’s not Christmas card time.
7. Harassed at the pump. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m terrible about making sure I have gas in any vehicle I’m driving. I think I subconsciously believe there’s a gasoline fairy who makes sure I have a full tank, or it refills itself. I’ll admit I’ve run out of gas a time or two, so when the youngest Kap kid and I found ourselves in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Mass Pike on fumes, I was elated to get my sorry self to the rest stop before I came to a full gas-less stop. Puttering to the over inflated pump I went, telling myself I’ll never learn, and it serves me right. Bottom line, I was already annoyed, but it’s the price you pay for not getting stuck on the side of the road. Along saunters a young chap who approaches me while I’m at the pump, large red plastic gas can in hand. Did I have any money to spare to fill up his gas can? For starters pal, the can looked like it could hold about 20 gallons, and at $4.69 a gallon that wasn’t happening, and the can looked like it had seen better days, so even if I filled it the likeliness of it spilling all over me or blowing something up was pretty good. I say to the kid, I’m sorry I can’t help you. He continues on that he’s trying to get to NY to see his Mother. I say, that’s nice, but again, I’m sorry I don’t have any cash. He points the can towards my credit card, then to the pump, then back to me and says, ummmm, you don’t have any money? Well now you did it kid…where do I begin?
8. Let’s get one thing straight my new young friend…I’ll help anyone, but don’t harass me and think you can guilt me into giving you gas money. I may be bitter and jaded, but I still go to work every day so I can put my own gas in my own vehicles…even if I do forget – I still have options to get myself gas if I remember.
9. If you got yourself a job, you wouldn’t have to ask anyone for money for gas. So, I’m going to tell you what I would tell any young person, get your ass a job. Or I don’t know, if you don’t have any money, don’t leave the damn house. Oh, I’m sorry, have I scared you? That's right, Step away from me.
10. Another thing, listen up…you picked the wrong chick, on the wrong day, on the wrong road in the heat and humidity to mess with. You see this hair? I’ve got bigger problems and things aggravating me than the likes of you, but if you’d like to stick around and catch my wrath, pull up a seat and buckle up.
And last but not least…fill up your tanks before you hit the road this weekend kids. It's never any fun to run out of gas.
Have a great weekend!
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