Your Weekly Antics the Snow Moon and Valentine's Day Edition...2-14-24

Well kids, you guessed it. I bet you did so without even looking out the window, reading a paper (does anyone do that anymore???) checking online, or consulting with your personal astrologist or amateur weather watchers Paxton Parenteau or Al of the Hood…it is in fact, a full friggin moon. So, keep that in mind when your loved one or significant other tells you that Valentine’s Day is no big deal and there’s no need for any small sentiments to show your appreciation. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you when you all get yourselves killed - Angel and JB, I'm talking to you...Here’s what I’ve got…

1. The Snow Moon is upon us and if you’ve felt a bit off kilter or you feel everyone else is, that would be why. The force of this moon is strong this time around people, everyone has gone off the rails, more so this week than usual. Buckle up.

2. How I started off this fabulous full moon week goes like this. No electricity at Sue Miller’s house. Fun times had by Grammy as she eventually relented and decided packing up and coming to my house wasn’t a bad idea. Off she went, being pulled from her house like one of the many relenting groundhogs from last week’s edition. It was as if she was being kidnapped and thrown in my trunk to head on over to the 02 only to settle in and then be alerted by National Grid that they fixed the problem, and the power was back on. Get it together National Grid. What the hell is happening over there in the 03? They never lose power, now it’s been twice in three months. People gotta breathe. Exhibit 1, Sue Miller, the weakest link

3. All the weather people have been up in arms about the flurries that have fallen upon us in the past few days. It has been no snowpocalypse people, as you know. Chicken Little has taken over the airwaves and infiltrated the good senses of meteorologists everywhere.

4. Instead of worrying about the two inches of flurries that fall in place of the snowfall in the definitive range of 2-24 inches, let’s concentrate on the aftermath of wet roadways, shall we? When flurries get rained on, they get wet. That water sits on the road just waiting to see what’s next. Will they evaporate and be used another day, or will old man winter, that disgruntled bastard, blow in the cold wind and turn them to ice? In a bad mood that mother nature hasn’t cooperated with him and allowed him the winter and snowfall the entitled son of a bitch feels he deserves, ice it is.

5. Ice, cars and walking don’t mix. Walking for the most part, as you know, we can manage ourselves by throwing some rock salt on our walk and driveways, or even load up a bucket of sand to keep in our cars so we can continue to get out on home visits doing the work of the people. However, unless you plan on driving slowly up and down the side streets of our fine city throwing rock salt out your window, you will encounter thick layers of iced over slush from the botched weather report earlier in the week. The main streets may be fine for travel, but it would be nice to get out of our neighborhoods safely to then access our main streets to actually get anywhere. Bring on the sanders for crying out loud…what the hell are we paying for???

6. Perhaps the city has decided to extend their Winter Festival from February 1st for the entire month and include all of the surrounding neighborhoods and not only focus on the skating oval downtown. I shall pull out and sharpen my ice skates and skate my way to home visits as I attempt to do the work of the people.

7. Don’t worry kids, it’ll snow all next week because it’s February vacation, so you won’t benefit from a snow day and you’ll be stuck at home all week torturing your parents. If you’re bored, drive around and throw some sand down…make yourselves useful.  Exhibit 2, a reminder to go to CVS tomorrow when valentine's candy will be 50% off.

8. You all remember Hank the Mantle Fish correct, and his replacement fish Ralph Waldo Emerson? Well Ralph decided he had other plans, and his accommodations did not quite meet his expectations so he brought it upon himself to swim over the rainbow bridge. I thought I was done with fish for a while until I came upon Stanley. Stanley’s a cute little guy who fits right in here amongst the misfits in our pack, as he’s not too bright. How do I know the intelligence of a fish you ask? Because this little guy got himself stuck in a shell. A shell from the ocean, where his people are originally from. The same shell that had been in the bowl that Hank swam around for two years without any problems. #RIPHank.

9. It seemed like a good idea at 10pm on Saturday night to change Stanley’s bowl. I took him out to the kitchen and scooped all the water out down to a few inches where he safely sat and watched. Filled the bowl back up, put him back in his own special spot on the mantle and couldn’t find him. How do you lose a fish Al asked….chaos ensued because naturally Al thought I accidentally dropped him down the drain or on the kitchen floor or even went so far as to assume Stanley took his own swim to the rainbow bridge via the garbage disposal. I insisted that was not the case and picked out all the items of his bowl one by one when I noticed a little something in the shell, the only shell in the bowl.

 10. 45 minutes later, a pair of pliers and one broken shell later, emerged Stanley. Poor little guy had his fin stuck in a tiny little crevice of the shell and was trapped until Meri saved him. He’s now down a half a fin, but doing well, and the internet where we get all our confirmed and true information has indicated that beta fish can grow their fins back. Long live Stanley and word to the wise for you beta fish owners out there, they can get stuck in stuff and tare their little fins on things, so do your research before you put things in their bowls. I have now surrounded Stanley with the likes of items that would make up a rubber room.

And last but not least, stick to the weather report Al – One and a Half Fin Stanley is here to stay.

Have a great weekend!