Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Update heading in to our last week of July Edition….
Hope you’re all having a good week peeps! Here we go….
1. It’s been hot. It’s been humid. We all know this. What I don’t need is National Grid to rub it in my face by sending me those stupid “Let’s compare your energy use to your neighbors use” bologna. I know we use and abuse the electric over here and we are quite literally cooling down the outside. I’m aware that it’s counterproductive to work from home, on my deck, with an oscillating fan blowing right on me. So mind your business National Grid…as far as my buddy Bug Zapper Joe is concerned and his using less electric than us…why do you think I always offer to watch his dog when he goes on vacation? The Rem-Dog and I light up that house like it’s Christmas and catch up on all our shows all while enjoying the meat locker type temps in his absence. And you bet I leave the tv on for her when I’m not over there…I’m not totally inconsiderate. It’s her vacation too.
2. Just an FYI…if you’re going to be a hoodlum and make threats to the workers at the Vernon Pool…Worcester PD will show up, you will get tazed and the pool will be shut down….way to ruin it for the rest of the neighborhood. #dontbeajerk
3. Dri – fit shirts…I hate them. This wicking away moisture and keeping you dry…total crap. If you’re gonna sweat, you’re gonna sweat and you’re gonna stink. I’m the Mother of teenagers, I know stuff. I’ve spent years suffering through the heat at baseball and softball fields and spend hours in the car driving these freeloaders to and from games. I’ll tell you this, the ride home ALWAYS smells worse than the ride there and no matter what you do…you never get the smell out of the shirt. I say stop letting the men order the uniforms, put a Mom in charge who manages the de - stinking of these uniforms and bring back the cotton/poly blend. But what do I know? I’ve only washed about 10,000 uniforms in my 21 years as a Mother.
4. To go with #3…because the Morons not to be mentioned above continue to order WHITE PANTS this is what I’ve learned…channel the wise words once spoken by the old ladies who frequented Spag’s back in the day - now they knew stuff…they would flock the “Wax Aisle” in droves in search of that magic product, FELS-NAPTHA soap – these ladies were not messing around and they swore it would take the stains out of anything, and they were right. So as long as the dopes continue to order white uniform pants for kids playing in the dirt all day, FELS – NAPTHA will be your best friend. That stuff will get dirt and stains out of anything…it’s probably toxic, can take the paint off the side of your house, and may be used at NASA, but their uniform pants will be clean. RIP Spag’s, you can now find FELS-NAPTHA at Wal Mart .97cents, some grocery stores if you’re lucky. You’re welcome.
5. Softball is back kids. Softball season, like the rest of the world is delayed, therefore we have begun in the dog days dead heat of summer. It’s hot, it’s dusty, the infield now resembles and feels like concrete and that ball is going to bounce and bounce HARD. We are not starting in spring giving your kid time to adjust to the temperature and the conditions of the field…there is no soft or muddy dirt in the infield. So listen up, you’re cute kid, and I’m glad you’re here, but for the love of GOD put your glove down to the ground. I will not be able to hang out with you here on the field during games acting as your human shield every time the ball comes anywhere near you. Get out there and don’t get yourself killed, that won’t be good for any of us. And stay off my bucket, that’s my spot.
6. Speaking of NASA…did you all take my advice and go outside and see Comet Neowise? I did, and saw nothing, just saying. Looks like I may have to look in to hanging with Ted Williams in 6,800 years after all.
7. Sock Basket…anyone have one of these? If you do not, keep it that way. In my house, instead of actually matching and folding socks, all they do is throw them in the never ending, piling over sock basket. They don’t care if they match, if they’re the same color, size, brand, style…they DO NOT CARE. Therefore when socks are needed, they grab whatever’s on top and go with it…it MAKES ME NUTS. I’ve had it and I’m throwing the whole basket out and starting a sock revolution.
8. So, all working from home, under the same roof, breathing the same air and kabitzin over the lack of space…those you live with are bound to hear you on the phone, or your side comments after hanging up from calls…so do yourselves this…the next time you get off a call and say out loud to yourself, “what the hell does he expect me to do??? Start pitching tents in my yard and taking in my homeless people here???” Then order yourself a tent, from amazon of course, or better yet, the yard sale site, and don’t tell anyone. Just wait and see what the reaction is of those you live with when they come home and find a tent in your front yard. Please see exhibit #1
9. Okay, so any of you with Worcester Public School kids who have felt the need to torture yourself and watch the 5 hour zoom meeting Monday night…did anyone catch that Mayor Petty refers to the Superintendent as “Madam Superintendent”??? I triple dog dare ANY OF YOU to refer to Parenteau as “Madam Program Director…” or “Madam Boss-Lady Program Director….” Should you be so foolish as to address her this way please wait until I’m present to do so as I want to bare witness to the silent stare, the pointed finger directing you to vacate her office, and watch you pack your bags. She’s more than tolerant, but I’m pretty sure she’ll punt you.
10. Listen up people…your dogs. Like they’re not already spoiled rotten as they should be, let’s keep in mind that they’ve been home with you for four whole months, and kind of like having you around. Well, in hopes that some normalcy will begin to return to our lives, your dogs aren’t going to like that “normalcy” or you for that matter, once you start leaving them at home alone again. They can be very resourceful little buggers when they are upset with us. Goose, our 1 year old hearing impaired dog managed to move the crate, while in it, over to my braided throw rug where she deliberately dismantled and destroyed it. Evidence everywhere and not one morsel of remorse was expressed. She made the Potbelly Pig Dog look like a shining example of obedience. See exhibit #2
11. And for your bonus this week peeps…Don’t believe anything you hear, I did not intentionally set the grill on fire.
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