Well kids, I hope you all came out of Valentine’s Day unscathed and no worse for the wear. If not, I don’t know what to tell you, I can’t save you all… Here’s what I’ve got…
1. Let’s start off with Pot Belly Pig Dog. Because she loves the car and she caught me at a weak moment, she was taken a long for the ride last Saturday to do errands. Stopped at the light on the corner of Hammond Street and Main, you know the spot, where some of the city’s more notorious panhandlers roost. One in particular decided to test me and began banging on my jeep window. My new Jeep. He touched it. They should all know by now I’m not giving out money, but will be more than happy to give out an ESW card, like maybe Tim or Jamies…he got his face and hands all up in my business- while I was minding mine- sitting waiting on the light. What did Pot Belly do? Not a dam thing. She sat there in the back seat, wagging her tail with her tongue hanging out, not a care in the world. We get home, pull up out front and this jackass loses her mind when none other than Carl and Officer So-and-so walked by. How much sense does that make? A stranger approaches the vehicle with her food source driving it, she does nothing. Carl the dog walks by with her owner, a police officer, and she tries to eat him. Makes – no – sense. Please see her carefree self in exhibit #1. #asshat
2. Despite being mad at her for her poor handling of the panhandler incident, I decided to cut Pot Belly some slack, because, after all, she met her replacement last week. Her replacement is none other than 6lb 10 oz. Charlie Rose. Pot Belly initially got the boot due to the buffoonery she was causing when Charlies now 11 month old brother was born. This arrangement was temporary, yet, here she is, now a permanent fixture in the landscape that is the Kap Pack. Clearly, Pot Belly’s shenanigans and over all trouble making was frowned upon when there were babies to take care of and another baby on the way. Pot Belly has been assured that she will be allowed to visit and lick baby faces whenever she’d like as long as she keeps her nonsense to a minimum and keeps her permanent residence at Asbury Road. Just for the record, Charlie and siblings are also allowed to visit here anytime they’d like, but they will be returned. I only take in dogs people, I draw the line at extra kids. (Except Kevin, but that’s only because he’s never given back my house key...)
3. Because I was annoyed with the Pig, I tried pawning her off on the girls when they were heading out the door to Sue Miller’s for a sleep over. All four girls are back in Grammy’s good graces, all forgiven for annoying her last week. The biggest violation to report…Chick fila. Want to know how to get on Meredith and her cousins bad side? Chick fila sauce…don’t waste it. It’s like a delicacy to these kids and if you’re going to use one, you better commit. There will be no “trying” the sauce to test it out first, and if you should dare, you better not double dip. That is breaking the rule of all rules, double dipping and there will be hell to pay. Can you guess who violated all of the above? Grammy. Grammy not only tested the chick fila sauce, but double dipped, then decided it just wasn’t her thing and threw it out. Meri and Kiley were not impressed. Please see exhibit #2, this was taken in happier times prior to the chick fila sauce incident.
4. You want to see my buddy Marshall do what he’s told and let me clear out all of his old hoarded prescription bottles he constantly tells the VNA Nurse she can’t touch? We could sell this stuff out of our trunk people and make a killing…I don’t know how he has so many meds that just accumulate and accumulate and seem to appear out of thin air. How we do this, is we threaten him with Sue Miller. You tell him that my Mother is going to his house to clean and it’s like a scared straight commercial from the 70’s. The place has never been cleaner and he didn’t question anything that landed in the trash. Even Marshall knows not to mess with her – if he does, he knows the frozen chickens she has stored for him in her basement freezer will be held hostage. What have I said every week? Don’t mess with Sue Miller.
5. To soften the blow of my converging upon Marshall and his med hoarding and his overall mess, I told him I’d bring him dinner. Shephards Pie. Shephards Pie was on the menu and that’s what I had to offer. Marshall respectfully declined, because according to him, corn and mashed potatoes have no business being anywhere near each other and should most definitely not cohabitate on the same plate, in the same meal, and I have something wrong with my head that I would do such a thing to two unknowing vulnerable vegetables. 15 minutes of my life I’m never getting back and will never offer the man shephards pie again.
6. Saw my pal Venus this week. Did I sand her driveway? Yes. Did I rearrange everything in her breezeway? Yes. Did I bring out her trash and recycling bin? Yes. Who’s saying no to Venus is what I ask you…I’m not a criminal. My parting gift this visit for my efforts…a bag of dehydrated peas, and her free gift of five 1 cent stamps from the Veterans Organization. I know you’re all jealous. Don’t be haters people.
7. If Marshall keeps it up, I’ll find a way to cook up those dehydrated made- for- astronaut peas and serve those up on a plate. Let’s see how he likes that.
8. “What did the Mom tomato say to the baby tomato? Ketchup.” With a shake of her head and a mumbling of, “ I can’t even look at him right now…” Meredith declared this rock bottom - the worst Dad joke ever.
9. As I mentioned above, we have a new jeep. Of all of my attributes, keeping a car clean and not looking like I live in it, is not one of my finer qualities and it makes Al nuts, especially when a new vehicle is involved. I channel my Dad and have supplies in whatever car I drive for all occasions. What can I say, I lived through the Blizzard of ’78 and will never be on the side of the road frozen or without somewhere to sit and sun myself if the weather allows, or snacks, or water, or a change of clothes for any season; I will always have towels in the event I decide to take a detour on a home visit and go to the beach, shovel in case I need to shovel my way in to a house or defend myself, sand in case I get stuck; one of those break out of your car thing-ies that will break windows and cut seatbelts; phone charger, paper, pens, pencils, notebooks, hand sanitizer, masks, flashlight, shoes, sneakers, flip flops, cleats (ok, that might be excessive…), hair ties, sunscreen, red sox hats ( a variety…), phone numbers, a map (yes, a real honest to goodness map, like made of paper…do you think Sean, and Phil and Catherine and Claire know what a paper map is???) duct tape, scotch tape, masking tape, zip ties, scissors, Ok, I’ve re read this…I may be overly super prepared, or I’m a serial killer… this could really go either way.
10. Kap kid who shall not be named…“ OH…MY…GAWD…What are you doing out there???”
Me… “ Emptying the dishwasher.”
Kap Kid… “ Do you have to be sooooo loud?”
Me… “No, no I do not. Because now YOU will be emptying the dishwasher…”
Seriously…it’s like they’ve never met me.
And last but not least kids, let’s try not to let idiots ruin our day. Idiots are everywhere and trying their hardest to drag us down and be miserable. I say, don’t do it. As Sue Miller would say, kill with kindness. Or, if all else fails, come see me for an item I’ve listed in #9, and we can come up with a suitable solution to your problem. I’m here for you people.
Have a great weekend!
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